Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Friday, June 24, 2011

The legacy of a wingwoman

The legacy of a wingwoman

Tanya Huang,
Posted on 12 June 2011.

Finding a good friend is like finding a four-leaf clover: It rarely ever happens, but when it does you never forget it. The first time I met Amy* we didn’t quite hit it off. It always seems to happen that way. I thought she was an intimidating, mean girl who was all talk, and she probably thought I was the most boring person alive. She always tells me I don’t show enough emotion, mostly because I don’t shower her with affectionate hugs and kisses every time I see her.

I guess I play hard to get.

The first time we went out together, she got so wasted she passed out and peed herself before the party even started. I was going to introduce her to my boyfriend that night, had she been conscious. He was not impressed. However, her tolerance for alcohol has improved significantly since that incident. Keep in mind that she is 5 feet tall and less than 110 pounds. She can’t quite keep up with the big kids.

One summer night we bonded over a bottle of Patrón — pretty much the entire bottle. It was like our first date. A typical date starts with drinks, then dinner and then maybe something fun. After more than enough tequila, we couldn’t decide where to eat so we skipped dinner entirely. This is a common occurrence. We’re so indecisive when it comes to food, no one can stand us. We knew we’d be good friends from that moment on.

Amy is a year older than me and naturally takes on the role of the nurturer, making sure I take my vitamins and drink my juice. Luckily we share the same size clothes, so I often leave it up to her to dress me. She also cooks, which is a great perk. She always has an answer to everything, thanks to Google. And she is the only friend who will tell me when I look bad or when I’m being a psycho bitch, unlike everyone else who says, “He’s just being an asshole. You’re too good for him,” or “Don’t worry you look so hot” when my shoes don’t even match. These things matter.

When it comes to being my wingwoman, Amy takes the cake. We even have matching scars to show for it. Somehow we have never been able to leave Stingaree unscathed. One night we were waiting in the VIP section to go backstage with LMFAO. It was

10 p.m. I felt ugly, tired and definitely way too sober.

Suddenly a bald, burly man grabbed my hand and said, “You’re too pretty to be looking so sad.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. I tried to flee, but his hand was three times the size of mine and he had the grip of an ogre.

“Let me buy you a drink,” he said. “What do you like?”

“Patrón,” I said.

He led me to the bar, still gripping my hand, and ordered three shots of Patrón. He had a massive clip of $100 bills. I wondered why he ordered three when there were only two of us. Then the shots came and he lined them up neatly in front of me.

“Here you go,” he said. I took one of the shots and he looked on expectantly.

“They’re all for you, sweetie,” he said. Oh, great. I couldn’t look like a little girl so I took them all and tried to make a beeline for Amy, but she got to me first.

“What the hell are you doing?” she yelled. “We’re supposed to be backstage by now!”

The bald man ordered three more shots of Patrón. This time we each had one. By now it was too late to get backstage.

“Do you party?” he asked us. We were too naïve at this time to understand.

“We are partying,” we both said. He just shook his head and proceeded to “party” off of his hand in front of the bartender.

He then took us to every bar in the club and ordered shots after shots after shots. Just because I have a boyfriend didn’t mean Amy couldn’t enjoy some free drinks. After all, she was missing LMFAO. Eventually the bald man started getting attached, and we started looking like his cheap escorts. So Amy initiated the perfect exit plan, which we executed with ease.

Maybe all those shots weren’t such a good idea, hence our matching scars. Each of us has an ugly and deformed scar on our right knee which still has not healed, a year later. She got hers when her heel broke and she fell, leaving the club. I got mine later that night falling off of someone’s lawn onto the sidewalk. Don’t ask.

It turned out the bald man was a business executive from New York who had all the hookups to every club in San Diego, Los Angeles and New York. Dang it.

Amy’s now moving away and I’ll need a new wingwoman. But we’re never too far apart. When there’s Patrón, we’ll always find our way back to each other.

-Tanya Huang is a journalism senior, looking for a new roommate /wingwoman.

-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.

* Name changed

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MOOR OR LESS

Whatever happened to four-leaf clovers?

Reflecting on 'Gunsmoke' and pronouncing names

Bill Moor Moor or Less

8:35 a.m. EDT, June 19, 2011

Idle thoughts while waiting for the next big Chicago Cubs’ winning streak:

    •    What do you think about our friends getting their van stolen out of their garage the night before they were to travel to Florida only to spot it themselves while driving up South Michigan Street on their return trip a week later?

    •    Wasn’t the passing of James Arness – Matt Dillon of “Gunsmoke” fame – yet another reminder to baby boomers like me that time continues to march on? And who else is still baffled by the fact that Matt was outdrawn by his opponent during the show’s opening scene (although his shot was apparently the truer one)?
    •    How frustrating is it to have the correct change counted out for the drive-through window and then one of the pennies suddenly rolls out of your hand and lands somewhere under your seat?
    •    Wouldn’t life be a little simpler if everyone always wore name tags plastered to their chests?
    •    Do kids ever look out a car window anymore or are they always entrenched in their video games or movie screens? Do they know that brown cows and red barns really do exist outside of storybooks?
    •    How come pants come with 30-inch and 32-inch inseams and I have a perfect 31?
    •    Did you realize that there are only 94 days before the end of the Chicago Cubs’ baseball season? (Not that I’m giving up or anything – yeah, right.)
    •    So do you think the sales of sweater vests plummeted after Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel had to resign?
    •    Would you believe that a certain someone wanted to throw out her large school bag just because a cricket had jumped inside it?
    •    How about Michael Jordan performing on the next “Dancing with the Stars?” Or even better, maybe Shania Twain?
    •    Heath Bar Blizzard or Chocolate Xtreme for your guilty pleasure?
    •    Does anybody else feel like “a knight without armor in a savage land” when they surf the Web or try to navigate Facebook? (And what old cowboy show did that line come from?)
    •    When is the last time you found a four-leaf clover? Don’t some people just seem to have a knack at that?
    •    Isn’t it a little humbling when your 7-year-old granddaughter beats you in checkers and you didn’t even go easy on her?
    •    Do you think that Notre Dame football coach Brian Kelly has it figured out for next season?
    •    Do you think it will take people as long to figure out how to pronounce Buttigieg as it did to master Luecke? That is if Pete Buttigieg gets elected, right?
    •    John Weiner, the New York congressman? Did he really have to draw attention to himself in a humiliating fashion to get a little name recognition?
    •    How come I would probably have an easier time gulping down a spider than having to walk through one of its semi-invisible webs hanging in a doorway?
    •    Who else doesn’t have the patience for crossword puzzles?
    •    Isn’t it kind of eye-opening to have out-of-towners visiting and realize that we do have some pretty neat things in our city when we show them around?
    •    Wouldn’t you agree that women understand fantasy football and baseball drafts about as much as men grasp the importance of a wedding shower? And while we’re on that subject, young couples who are the recipients of those showers usually aren’t the ones who really need all those gifts, wouldn’t you agree?

Bill Moor writes a weekly column for Community. Contact him at ern14est@yahoo.com.

Copyright © 2011, South Bend Tribune

sbt-whatever-happened-to-fourleaf-clovers-20110619

FredMy at 6:55 AM June 22, 2011

"When is the last time you found a four-leaf clover? Don’t some people just seem to have a knack at that?"

It's been a while since I found one, but I used to have the knack for it.  Maybe I do need bifocals.  The trick is pattern recognition: you gotta train your eye to jump to the "one of these things just doesn't belong."  It's that old 90-degree angle between the leaves, not the common-joe 120 degrees.

And did you know the clovers turn during the day?  On a bright sunny morning, they'll all be facing the east.  And late in the afternoon, facing west. 

SBNewbie at 1:50 PM June 21, 2011

Well, Bill, apparently Congressman Weiner's bid for name recognition didn't work with you:  his first name is Anthony, not John.

Do You Have A 4 Leaf Clover You Have Saved For A Long Time? - Find ...

Do you have a 4 leaf clover you have saved for a long time?

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Asked By: trails 6 days ago

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Best Answer (Chosen By Asker):

Phileve - 66-70 years old

Posted by Phileve Jun 20th, 2011 at 6:29AM

Yes I have just the one at the moment which I found around three years ago, I keep it in a tiny plastic bag inside a book next to a picture of a lovely lady from the US who was friends with me for almost a year via email, who had an incredible life, but sadly lost out to cancer on December 5th 2010, I think of her every day and hope the 4 leaf clover will bring me luck so that I can help with the funding of a clinic she helped to form for girls with drug addiction in 2007 .. RIP Melissa xx

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2 Answers to "Do you have a 4 leaf clover you have saved for a long time?"

  1. trapezoid - 46-50 years old - male

    Posted by trapezoid Jun 18th, 2011 at 8:04AM

    I have found dozens of four-leaf clovers this year. It's a record year for me, for sure. Five and six-leaf ones, too. I don't bother saving them anymore, though.

    [ Reply ] | Like (1)

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Saturday, June 4, 2011